Give yourself the best present: Self-Love

Christmas, the feast of love. Maitri, in yoga, love, friendship, in the sense of goodwill towards all people. Where does this limitless love begin? As with everything: not in the outside, but inside. Give yourself something for the feast of love: self-love.

Honestly, do you love yourself the way you are? With your good and bad sides, with all the entanglements, in which you hang, with all the feelings, that are in you, with your whole being at that very moment? For most of us this is probably one of the hardest lessons and I do not exclude myself there. Often we are looking for anything, that makes our lives better. Mostly we look for it on the outside: the next kick, the next goal, something I’m working on, the next relationship. And then, when the goal is reached, yes, then what? Then we enjoy for a moment the satisfaction, the supposedly achieved – and then the search starts again. Is that happiness?

It’s an endless loop, that much is clear. Happiness is not in the outside, but inside. All the wisdom, that we have read and heard a thousand times. And also understood. And that’s the crux of the matter: understanding something with the mind is of no use, if I can not live that truth inside, in my heart. I have often found myself “understanding” the philosophy of yoga. But that’s not the point. It is about the immediate experience and feeling, from inside to outside and not vice versa.

Compassion and joy

Maitri is a good example of this. The cultivation of love and empathy, which also helps to develop compassion, joy and equanimity. Developing Maitri is one of the most important tasks in yoga in order to find a clear mind. The goal is great: it is about an all-encompassing and boundless love for all people. Let’s take Jesus as an example, fitting for Christmas: Even when they nailed him to the cross, he still loved his enemies. He did not even see them as enemies: “Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing.”

This is a parable, that can show us how great and powerful love can actually be, when it is free of personal concerns. But to understand that does not mean that I can – or must – live this from one day to the next. Few of us will actually be able to do that. Nevertheless, these great wisdoms tempt one to overstep them and skip several steps on the way. So some people claim of themselves, that they love all people. But if you look closely, you see just as little mindfulness and respect for others as they have for themselves.

A raindrop in the ocean

Maitri begins inside: with the love for yourself. It’s like a raindrop, that falls into the sea and then becomes an ocean. If I cultivate an inner benevolent attitude towards myself, then I can gradually expand it to my whole world. This does not happen overnight, it takes time. And it starts with me accepting in the here and now how and what I am and feel right now. Yoga does not differentiate between good and bad. It does not say negative emotions are bad, only love, compassion and cheerfulness are good. It says negative emotions are there to show you something, and love and compassion – especially to yourself – can help to realize this.

Then it is no longer about overcoming negative emotions. As if one could put oneself over Maitri, to replace one feeling with another: “So, now I’m just not angry or sad anymore, now I love all people.” Love and compassion for yourself can help you instead to recognize, that you are not your anger, sadness or anything else, but just having those feelings – for a reason.

I find it sometimes frightening, how flattened and reduced the wisdom is interpreted. Developing Maitri is a long process and it begins with paying attention and love at that moment – with all the inadequacies and feelings, that are there, as good as you can. It also means accepting “as good as you can” and being satisfied with it.

Practice Yoga – practice love

It’s like yoga or acroyoga practice: you would not even start with the most difficult asana, if you do not meet the requirements. If you try to love all people without starting on your own, it’s like trying to put both your legs behind your head, even though you do not even put your hands on the floor when you’re standing up. Or as if you want to do a handstand on a partner’s hands, even though you can not even hold a handstand on the wall. We need some flexibility or strength to do certain things. And around that we have to practice.

Maitri also wants to be practiced. It does not mean that we all have to be friendly and nice all the time, that we have to put up with everything or always give in. Love, when it starts with yourself, can also mean setting limits and fighting against injustice, putting people who behave badly in their place.

By bringing love and empathy to ourselves in this way, we can better understand our own feelings. Because they are always an emotional response to what comes to meet us from the outside. And what comes from outside triggers often only feelings, that have long been in us and we have suppressed.
Only when you develop empathy and love for yourself, you can extend it to others and bring them compassion. So love can grow from inside to outside. Or better: The unconditional, limitless love is always there, but we can grow into it, like the raindrop in the ocean.